Viewing: envy of angels

Listen, we’re friends, right? We’ve been through some serious shit together. Like the thing with the guy at the place that time, that was wild, right? But we came through it. Ride or die. All that. We’re like the two friends from Johnny Cash’s cover of “I See a Darkness” by that ginger hipster kid.

So, I want to talk honestly with you for a second here.

Here’s the truth: Most books just aren’t bought or read by that many people. MOST books. And when I say “books” I’m talking about a book released under ideal circumstances. It had a big publisher. They put it on shelves in all the big chain stores. There were ads an’ shit. Maybe they even sent the author out on one of those magical, mystical “book tours” you see in movies and on TV shows about every writer ever.

That fuckin’ book? Very few people bought it or read it. That author went back to their day job on Monday.

Seriously, think of how many people you think buy a book like that. Okay, now cut that number in half. Now cut that number in half. Now divide by three.

You’re probably still on the high side.

Now, here I come. And I’m writing this series of short books. The series is called Sin du Jour. It’s a funny supernatural action/adventury-type deal and I like it. I like it a lot. There are two books in the series out right now. The first one, Envy of Angels, came out last October. The first sequel, Lustlocked, just dropped in January. The third one, Pride’s Spell, is due out in June. I have four more installments planned after that.

It seems pretty impressive, right? Sold by Macmillan, one of the biggest publishers on the planet. I’m getting starred reviews in Publishers Weekly. Both books have like, 95% approval on Goodreads. Fancy people tweet about it.

That’s all great. It is. But I can’t spend any of that, and you have to read the fine print. The Sin du Jour books are published by Tor.com Publishing, a collective of utterly amazing professional folk who have nevertheless launched an entirely new imprint of that giant publishing mega-corp. They released their first book last September, and that was their first novella. Their first novel is still to-be-published. Because that’s the other thing. Tor.com Publishing is doing something entirely new and highly experimental for contemporary mainstream publishing: Novellas as standalone books. Print, ebook, audiobook. And they’re doing all their selling and marketing and distributing digitally, which means these books generally aren’t in physical stores on physical shelves. You have to order ’em on-line.

And my series is kind of an experiment within an experiment, because I’m doing a whole run of these short books. And they’re all released close together, like old pulp serials in a new high-tech exo-battle-skeleton body.

So, to recap: New experimental publisher, new experimental series and business model, no brick-and-mortar, a short format and shorter release schedule we have to retrain the audience to understand and accept.

I’m not selling nearly as well as the author who has to go back to work in the bakery or drug store the Monday after their book tour.

But hey, this is not me complaining. Not in the least. I fucking love what we’re doing. I believe in this model. I believe in both the creative and professional benefits of it. I believe over time I’ll turn my little series into a hell of a property and a hell of an earner. But right now it’s like any start-up, new and swimming in a big sea and looking for a harbor.

That’s the reality of the right now, the beginning. I’m writing a series of little books not a lot of people know about.

Which brings us to today. My editor and my publisher did a very smart thing. They convinced the folks at Amazon, where most digital books and certainly most of my digital books are sold, to make Envy of Angels a Deal of the Day. For *today only* you can download the ebook version of Envy of Angels for just $0.99 (ninety-nine cents). Less than a buck, folks.

And I’m excited as hell. And my publisher is excited as hell. This is a big, big deal.

Why, you ask? Why is a tiny largely unknown ebook being on-sale for one day for a dollar a big deal to anyone?

Well, for one, Amazon goes all-out for these deals. They’re going to email people to let them know about it. You’re going to see ads on the site. You’re going to see the book topping lists. And the price-point and that exposure will attract thousands of people who otherwise never would’ve checked the book out or probably even heard of it to buy the ebook. And much more than any money I make today, if I can retain a healthy portion of that audience it’s a huge injection of life into the series. My retention rates are good. People who read one Sin du Jour book generally like it and buy the other books and tell their friends to do the same. So folks buying my one-dollar ebook today leads to a lot more sales in the future and hopefully regular readers and buyers of the series.

So today has the potential to be a massive shot in the arm for a fledgling series that really needs it.

That’s why it’s a big deal.

So, with all that in mind, and thank you, my friend, for sticking with me here, I need you to go spread the word about Envy of Angels being the Amazon Deal of the Day at just ninety-nine cents. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Vine, Tumblr, wherever you are on-line, let folks know about this for me. And tell some real people, too. Text your friends. Call your grandma. Phone your favorite local call-in radio show. It’s all helpful.

ALSO important: Members of the World Fantasy Convention are currently nominating works for the Hugo Awards. Envy of Angels is eligible in the novella category. Today would be a great day to pick it up for consideration if you’re a Hugo voter, or to let Hugo voters know they can pick it up for less than a buck. So if you are one of those folks or know some of those folks, please take that under advisement.

Let’s sell some books! Commerce! Capitalism! Fight Club philosophy is so 1990’s. Screw it. CONSUME.

Thanks, friend.

Love and cheap hook-ups are in the air, folks! Sunday is Valentine’s Day, and I have a new book out I feel is particularly appropriate, or particularly inappropriate but in a good way, to the occasion. It’s called Lustlocked, and it’s the follow-up to Envy of Angels, the debut book in my Sin du Jour series of supernatural comedy urban fantasy-type stories.

You have a lot of options for entertainment this weekend, including some pretty sick V-Day counter-programming from flicks like Deadpool, the marketing for which trumps any paltry bullshit I will offer herein. You also have your Sparksian rom-non-coms and whatnot. There’s a lot out there, to be sure, and for every taste.

I am, however, going for the Valentine’s Day marketing hat trick. I am attempting to simultaneously program, counter-program, and counter-counter-program at the same time. I am taking on all comers in my quest to squeeze holiday-centric money out of you.

I believe, if nothing else, I deserve some credit and pity buys for the Herculean attempt.

With that in mind, here are my top ten reasons why you should make Lustlocked your Valentine’s Day read this year and gift it to that someone special in your life.

1) It’s about a wedding! It’s about two people from different worlds who truly love each other getting married. And hey, that’s what St. Valentine did! He married folks in love in secret who weren’t allowed to be married by the state. Obviously none of us read history ever, but surely you saw the How I Met Your Mother episode about it. I’ve got a book about a wedding out on Valentine’s Day! The marketing writes itself! And yet here I am anyway. Writing the marketing. Because I have to be. Because I really need to sell some more of these things. So get with the program, will you?

2) If you’re not into weddings and love, it’s also about lust! We’ve got Manhattanites turning into craven lust monsters rampaging and humping their way through the city. We’ve got reptilian orgies that would make Hunter S. Thompson stoned out of his mind blush. We’ve got sexy people hooking up under intense circumstances and gettin’ it on proper. We’ve got multi-orientational flirtations, tensions, and unrequited passion. THIS BOOK IS PRACTICALLY INJECTED WITH RAW PANTHER HORMONES AND SHOULD COME WITH A UNIVERSALLY ADAPTABLE SEX TOY. I TRIED BUT MARKETING SHOT DOWN THE IDEA I CAN’T HELP BEING A VISIONARY AHEAD OF HIS TIME.

3) Equal opportunity nudity! Unlike every HBO series, I believe in a two-to-one hanging brain to female breasts ratio. I guarantee you twice as many naked hot dudes as naked hot women in the same installment. DONG WILL NOT BE UNDEREXPLOITED IN MY FICTION. I’VE CAMPAIGNED ON THIS ISSUE AND I DELIVER.

4) It’s cheaper than going to see Deadpool, lasts longer, and features just as much swearing, violence, and self-aware sarcasm. I promise. Buy two copies and read it with your significant other! You’re still coming out ahead in the dollars! Even with reading snacks!

5) Really though, you should probably also go see Deadpool. It looks pretty freakin’ sweet. But if your entertainment budget has to choose between the two, obviously, reading is fundamental and Marvel has enough fucking money. I HAVE NONE. HELP ME. HELP ME PLEASE.

6) The book’s cover kind of looks like a funny Valentine. I think. And let’s be honest, this is a greeting card holiday. We’ve been conned by Hallmark for like, a century. We’re marks. Stop buying into the scam already. Give your significant other a book instead of a fucking cheesy overpriced uninspired greeting card that doesn’t even have a developed narrative THAT’S JUST A PICTURE OF A BABY OR A PUPPY OR SOME SHIT WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN YOU DON’T KNOW MY RELATIONSHIP, HALLMARK.

7) More than our own love lives, what we really dig is the love lives of celebrities. In fact, we just love celebrities. They’re America’s royalty. They’re America’s pantheon of gods and goddesses. They’re better than us and we know it. They’re everything. And I lampoon the shit out of many of your favorites in this book. You need that. You need to have the spell broken, because seriously, it’s pathetic. KANYE WEST TWEETS ABOUT HIS FUCKING BREAKFAST AND IT GETS RETWEETED FORTY THOUSAND TIMES WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

8) Gourmet food and shiny diamonds! That’s what Lustlocked is all about, and that’s what Valentine’s Day is all about. You take your significant other out for a fancy, expensive dinner somewhere you probably wouldn’t eat if not for this fake-ass holiday, and you give them a rock some corporation convinced your historically gullible species was worth something when it is literally worth nothing and that they probably chopped off some brown person you don’t care about’s head very far away to attain and sell you at an absolutely ludicrous, arbitrary, made-up price! And who can afford all that shit nowadays? Really? We’re genitals-deep in generational debt and always will be, we stopped asking questions about salaries staying concurrent with inflation decades ago, the housing market resembles the polar ice caps in Kevin Costner’s Waterworld, and the Fed (probably) killed the last president who asked if it was a smart thing for America’s money to be privately controlled. You simply can’t afford luxury items at the level we’ve collectively given up, so don’t try. Buy a book and read about all the finer things instead! It has Goblins who literally eat cake sprinkled with diamonds. How much baller can I make it for you?

9) Ditto travel! You’re not taking a trip for Valentine’s Day. Airlines realized you’re basically a hostage no one cares about. It’s over. Have you seen the prices for airfare and/or experienced airline service lately? It’s a fucking nightmare of greed and cruelty. Not to mention the TSA agent with their hand on your junk while they literally stare at porn they just shot of you. And fuck Louis CK and his bit about the “miracle of flight.” They took bigger seats out and put smaller seats in to bilk your no-choice-having ass. You’re allowed to be mad about that. But mad won’t give you wings. So, stay grounded and escape into a book instead! I promise to take you on a journey so vivid you’ll forget it is now cost-prohibitive to ever leave your house which you also absolutely cannot afford either and will probably die before you own. But hey, books!

10) I love my fiancée very much, and your money will go toward the wedding we are being mercilessly up-charged for by an industry that preys on the emotionally vulnerable. I’M LITERALLY USING THE MONEY YOU SPEND ON MY BOOK ON VALENTINE’S DAY TO GET MARRIED. WHAT’S MORE VALENTINE’S DAY THAN THAT?

There you have it, folks. My top ten reasons to make Lustlocked your Valentine’s Day purchase…

You’re right, it did go a little off the rails there a few times. And got kind of weird. I apologize. But I feel like I made some good points.

Yeah.

Anyway. Lustlocked is available for Kindle as well as Nook. You can grab an audio copy from Audible and put it in your ears. Or you can do me and yourself the great service of going old school and ordering a gorgeous, sexy, romantic paperback edition of the book.

Happy Valentine’s Day!